Beginnings, Endings and the Inevitable Endless In-Between.

"What we call the beginning is often the end And to make an end is 

to make a beginning.  The end is where we start from." 

T. S. Eliot 

Disconsolate Acrylic 16 x 20 2018

     For the last four years since I moved from CT to NY, I have been having a rough time of it.   I have been distressed somewhat quietly. Most continue to think I am a happy go lucky gal, which is partially correct, in that I don't like to air my issues, problems or sadnesses on to others.  And secondly, and more insidious is the thought "What will people think?"

     I fell to my knees with the advent of the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.  The idea that they could not find enough meaning in their lives to stick it out and keep walking through the fire walloped me. I'm sure I am not the only one. These tragedies allow us to stop and observe.  Take stock of the world around us and be honest and frank about our internal struggles.   I have been in anguish for a long time. Triggered by the move which was ultimately a good thing it has shaken me to the core.  Much like an earthquake everything broken, tumbled, and out of place when I finally came up for the air I did not recognize myself and my life.  Nothing was remotely familiar.  Recently in an attempt to get out of my way and try to break my fall from "grace" I took a job at a local home furnishing shop.  A full time, working for someone else, 40 hour a week, standing all day, JOB!   I know that as I write this some of you will think well that is what most people do.  I understand, but I have for 29 years been self-employed fine artist and designer trying to find a way to thrive. It is a shock to the "nervous" system.

     Transitions are hard. Change is difficult whether you desire it or not. A change of location, job, partner, a death of someone close, a disappearing pet, illness, a hold on or loss of a dream...it is all challenging to circumvent and ultimately navigate.  I put a brave face on and march forward. The results have been tepid, lacking in luster and negligible in alleviating the sadness that sometimes overtakes me.

     As a society, there is little room for the inevitable confusion especially if that change is for good.  I have always felt a sense of sadness when something ends.  A sense of loss fills in the empty places within.  If you change for a new job or a baby, something that you wanted, people around you don't understand, and the silly wisdom that comes next furthers the feelings of disconnection for the troubled soul.  No one can escape change.  Life is moving water.  I get that...but sometimes it is hard to know how and when to change and to accept it gracefully.  Do you float in the tides or swim for a goal? And what should that goal be if you find yourself without one?

     Take for instance a baby, in most cases, a beautiful thing, but it brings real change to lives. The parents are now going to be on a distinctively different journey, than the one they were traveling before.  Some take it in stride while others feel grief, a confusion, a feeling of loss.  I think the sadness is for a life they had that is gone forever.  It can be a disconcerting feeling and complicating things more you feel guilty saying so.  Endings bring fear. They break everything we knew before.  We don't feel like we fit.   And because endings can be so frightening some of us jump to beginnings before the end happens and in doing so, you get more confusion and chaos.

     Here is what I have learned. Until a boat or a bridge is built to get to the other side of this transition, you are stuck treading water in the endless seas of in-between.  There is no escaping that. ( well there is but that involves a bottle of vodka, drugs and a whole manner of bad habits.)  Having left one shore to get to the other in what seems to be an interminable wait can cause mental agony.  And as is often associated with inbetween...suffering ensues. The in-between lags and feels nowhere.  You feel confused chaotic and with no focus. All you wish is to feel normal again. Going back is not a choice you have evolved beyond the old normal your awareness of yourself is different.   Here are two hard truths;  you never feel that old normal.  The old normal died.  The new normal hasn't fully arrived.  It feels like a new pair of shoes pinching the little toe causing a blister on the ankle not quite right. But they look good on you, and you can see how it will go with all your clothes, so you endure the temporary pain. The second hard truth of everyone's journey is that it is specific to them. To seek advice is addictive of course, you want to end the pain. But keep in mind that that advice is the product of that man/women who imparts it. And while it can provide solace in these moments of imbalance, ultimately you will have to find your way.  So the only relationship that matters genuinely matters is the one you have with yourself. Hang in there though because this is all a process. A process that sometimes you have never noticed.
   
     You have outgrown that old life and the new one is not entirely comfortable.  Honor the memories of the past life. Close it with a party, a memoriam of sorts. Societies of the past had a rite of passage that closed the past and opened to the present. Endings need to be honored; when they are not, you long for them in a very unuseful way which keeps you stuck in no man's land.

     I pray that at the end of the dark tunnel there will be lovely light. That light will be full of wisdom, knowledge, and joy that I earned swimming through the straits of experience. 

Stay tuned! 😉